Ranch Lessons

Ranching can be tough work, especially for single girls without big, burly husbands to do their chores. Here my assistant, Amber, shows the correct form for breaking ice. Breaking ice is a very important chore in the wintertime. It allows the animals access to fresh water, and gives us an opportunity to work on our abs. Let's evaluate her performance.

Step One: Take a firm grip on the Axe. Check.


Step Two: Make sure the axe head is secure (there's nothing more painful then having the head of the axe slide down the handle to crunch your thumbs, or even better, the back of your skull). Check.


Step Three: Take a stance on the ice, preferably with one foot on solid ground. Check. Yay! Amber doing great! There isn't even any blood yet!



Let's advance to step Four: Get a good swing (being careful not to accidentally impale your big toe with the pointy end of the axe. As you can see, Amber is displaying correct form by twisting her head 180 degrees (almost) to avoid the blinding ice chunks. We're both sissy girls, after all. She's showing excellent extension of her humeral-radial joint, but could be using her knees a little more. We'll give her a B+ for this maneuver. Aw, heck... We'll bump her up to an A-. She deserves a little extra credit for not screaming from the pain in her abs.
Step Six (we'll bypass Step Five, which usually involves falling on your rear end, slipping into the hole you just cut, or suffering major contusions to your various anatomical parts, all the while trying to maintain a certain level of poise and composure) Step Six: Adopt the traditional lumberjack stance, being careful not to do the splits on the ice ~ it's very important to try to make this step look as easy and seamless as possible. Even though your abs and obliques feel like you've just been kicked by a mule, its important to keep the panting and sweating to a minimum.


After all, it's hard to find a big burly husband when you smell like you've just run a marathon.